A mother of three writes, “I’ve tried to impress on my children that lying is more than just ‘bad’ or a ‘sin,’ and that the long-term effect of lying can be stressful and unhealthy. They asked me if it was ever OK to lie, like for example when you see TV cops lying to criminals to get them to confess. What can I say to them about that?” 

Are there situations where it’s OK to lie? There are certainly innocent situations, such as lying to someone about a surprise party. The special condition is that you’re fully aware that they’ll soon know the truth. You’re counting on them to be happy that you lied to them. There’s no fraud or illicit gain, and you’re doing something that you believe they’ll appreciate.

There are also situations where people are rude or fail to mind their own business, such as a stranger asking unnecessarily personal questions. I don’t see any problem with lying under these conditions. You know for a fact that your personal information is none of their business, and you have no desire to form a relationship with them. It doesn’t make sense to lie to people whose trust you value, but with strangers it simply doesn’t matter. 

A lot of people ask me if it’s OK to lie to a child if he or she asks a question about a subject that isn’t age appropriate. I suggest not, because other options are available. You can simply say to the child, “That’s something we can’t talk about right now. There’s more you have to understand and we’ll come back to it in a few years.” Or: “That’s personal between mommy and daddy. Some things are just that way.” Postponing or deflecting is better than outright lying. I have a friend with a very inquisitive 8 year-old. They keep a written list of things she promises to talk to him about when he gets older. He is perfectly happy with that arrangement, and will often bring the list to her when he has a question. There’s a bigger picture here, too: When you lie to your kids, you’re teaching them that the truth can be changed simply by moving words around. In reality, of course, that just isn’t so (apparently a lot of politicians were lied to as children…).

Also, beware when kids ask a question that’s more sophisticated than you expect — they’re likely more aware of the truth than you realize. For example, “Was I adopted?” If the answer is yes, and you never said anything on the subject, don’t you think there might be some reason why the question came up? Lying in this situation would be a terrible mistake.

It’s easy to rationalize a lie. For example, it’s OK to lie if you don’t have a choice. Law enforcement officials dealing with terrorists or other violent criminals don’t have much of a choice when physical safety is involved. Somebody might die if they don’t lie. But in everyday situations you might rationalize by saying, “Oh, I have to lie, because I don’t have a choice. She’ll be angry and upset if I tell her.” So what? Just because somebody might be angry or upset is no reason to lie. It’s just heaping one insult on top of another. It’s healthier to face the music and live in reality than to play “let’s pretend.” Another common rationalization for lying (and being found out) is, “I was only joking.” This is the coward’s way out. Jokes can be funny, but falsehoods to people you care about are not.

There are indeed certain occasions when the truth doesn’t matter as much as your physical safety or privacy. Beyond that, honesty still remains the best policy. It not only grants you immunity from ever being “found out,” but also secures the trust of those who matter to you. That’s more precious and psychologically healthy than any short-term advantage a lie could ever bring.

Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist, life coach and author practicing in Ocean View. He can be reached at 302-539-5986, by email at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it , or through his website at www.DrHurd.com.