Late last summer I had a close encounter (of the obnoxious kind) in a local grocery store. Regular readers know that these little adventures of mine often end up as columns, and this one’s no exception.

A mental health professional would label her reaction as “projection”: Attributing to another person a quality you (subconsciously or otherwise) consider undesirable about yourself. Accusing the employee of being self-centered suggests that she saw herself that way, but would never admit to it. The clerk was certainly not the one with the “me, me, me” attitude, and it was clear to everyone within earshot that she was in the wrong. This is how projection works: The accuser sees faults in another that she cannot or will not see in herself.

Projection is almost always misplaced. The clerk was not at all rude, but the truculent brat who accosted him obviously was. Projection can also serve as a "defense mechanism" where the accuser is trying to evade seeing herself as possibly flawed. It’s not healthy and is in no way excusable. A psychologically healthy person has an obligation to be self-aware and objective.

Projection is the consequence of refusing to be aware of reality and to be straightforward with oneself. The antidote to projecting your flaws onto others is a willingness to see yourself as you are. For example, if you watched a video recording of yourself, would you like what you saw? If you read a transcript of something you said in a conversation, would you see this “projection” of you for what it is?

Some people like to feel superior. Accusing someone else of having what you consider a negative personality trait can help you feel less anxious about having that trait yourself. Life can be stressful, and people sometimes need to find ways to cope with anxiety. Some turn to drugs or alcohol. Others shop or gamble compulsively. Some may adopt more subtle habits such as being critical. Like the drug or alcohol addict or the compulsive shopper or gambler, the person who projects actually needs to criticize in order to lower anxiety about her own flaws.

It’s too bad that our bad-tempered customer couldn’t have uttered her “me, me, me” comment within the context of her own self-esteem. People with true self-esteem are aware and care for their own desires. They don’t feel the need to unfairly criticize others. In the process, they make their own lives better.

There’s a world going on around us. We all have our own interests. We tend to look down on people who think of themselves as the “center of the universe,” but it’s psychologically healthy to be the centers of our own universes, while at the same time recognizing that others have the right to do the same.

Our ill-mannered shopper shouldn’t be criticized for having her own interests. She should be criticized for ignoring the fact that others have interests too. Sadly, because of the obvious constraints of his job, the gracious clerk at the grocery store was unable to let her know that.

Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist, life coach and author practicing near Bethany Beach. He can be reached at 302-539-5986, by email at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it , or through his website at www.DrHurd.com.