Q: Your ideas on psychology and self-help make sense. I know they are rational, but I don’t always feel them. My logic is rational, but my feelings are not. What am I supposed to do? Just ignore my feelings? What role can psychological counseling play, if any?

Dr. Hurd replies: This is what many people say to me (or themselves) when faced with an inner conflict. Think about what it means. In effect, you are saying: reality is no more important than my emotions. What I feel is just as important as what’s objectively true. 

Conclusion of yesterday's column.

Rationalization # 3:

“It’s OK to lie if the subject is nobody else’s business.”

This rationalization implies that if someone is violating your privacy, you have no other choice but to lie to them. If, in fact, you have no other choice but to lie, then so be it. Such cases do exist, and your privacy should come first.

Continued from yesterday’s column.

It’s not enough to ask people, intellectually, if they subscribe to these rationalizations or not. They might say “no,” they sincerely don’t agree with these statements. Yet they could still feel something different on the emotional level, and practice something different on the behavioral level. If someone tells you that, no, she does not believe lying is right, then you can relax somewhat; but you still need to recognize that human beings have free will and in any given moment of their lives are free to reject something they consider a moral principle.

There are two types of liars.

The first type does not feel comfortable with lying. He feels guilty for betraying other people with his lie. He also feels awkward because lying complicates his life and his mind. He has to remember who knows about the falsehood and who does not. He must keep two separate lists in his mind at all times: one for the actual facts, the other for the “facts” he has created.

The second type of liar is much more sophisticated—and dangerous. He believes his own lies. He convinces himself that the “alternate reality” he creates with his lies actually exists. He is the more persuasive, more “effective” type of liar. He can fool loved ones, business associates, juries—even millions.